This Is It, This Is It
by Owl Emporium
Summary: She doesn't understand. She won't ever begin to understand this Chuck, this foreign Chuck who she doesn't seem to know anything about. Ellie's thoughts after Season 3 finale. Drabbleshot?


She doesn't understand. She won't ever begin to understand this Chuck, this foreign Chuck who she doesn't seem to know anything about. She doesn't understand how he can risk it all knowing one day he might not come back home alive. She doesn't, _can't_, understand how Chuck, her sweet little Chuck, could do something like shooting with perfect aim into the flesh of another.

She learns he didn't like using guns, that he used his hands to beat the opponent. She's relieved, thankful that at least, there is some of her Chuck still left inside.

She wants to believe him when he says that he told Beckman that he will never go back to that life. Oh, she trusts him, knows that he did in fact, tell the General, but something in his eyes is amiss. His eyes that fail to hide the "I'm not so sure about this but I did it for you because I love you," and suddenly, she has to smack a fake smile on her face. She feels guilty now, knowing she took away one of the most important things in her brother's life using a promise as a mask for her selfishness.

She's troubled by the spaced-out looks he gets when the word "spy" comes out of someone's mouth, scared at the longing in his eyes and how he perks up at the word. Looking at him playing video games with Morgan and how he never misses a duck gives her chills, knowing that was testament at how good of a spy he was and the way he smiled, how his body seemed much too alert to be playing a simple video game was another that said he missed it, missed being a spy and making the world a safer place.

She's troubled by the guilty looks he sends her way when he thinks she isn't looking. She knows he's one step from going back and she's at loss at what to do.

She knows what's coming when he comes with his head down, eyes guilty yet alive, and all she can think of is "This is it, this is it." Her eyes fill with tears, mourning or relieved she can't tell as he explains his reasoning why. She doesn't hear any of it, just stops him in the middle of half-hearted hand gestures and says, "I know. I'm sorry, Chuck that I did this to you."

He looks confused. "Did what?" and a young Chuck, his face guilty for other reasons, pops into her mind.

She runs her hand through his hair affectionately and simply says, "Nothing."

She almost laughs at the confused look on his face, but then her heart drops when he turns to her and says, "Thank you, Ellie, for being so understanding and unselfish. You're the best sister I could've ever had."

And then she almost drops down sobbing right there because, no, she isn't. She was selfish, depriving him of something that was so important to him, depriving the world of one good spy.

She smiled shakily at him, "Go and save the world."

He gives her a grin, that famous Charles Bartowski grin that lights up his entire face and she can't help but thinking, "Goodbye, Chuck."

"I won't die on you, Ellie, not on my account," he says, and this surprises her, the bluntness of the statement and raw honesty in his voice causing her to stumble. "I will do anything to get back to you and Sarah, back to Morgan and Awesome, back to Casey. Hell, even back to Jeff and Lester," he adds jokingly, but the affection in his eyes is real. "I'll come back."

And suddenly, she believes him, and dammit, she knows it's crazy, that the life he lives has so many wrong turns you can go into, but she has to, for her sake and his.

"You took care of me before. Now it's my turn to protect you."

She can't hold her tears at bay anymore and she clutches onto him crying, and whispers, "I know, Chuck. I trust you."

As she watches him leave, she feels oddly relieved. She realizes that her Chuck never left. He's still the same.

When he leaves for his next mission, she knows it and all she can think is, "This is it, this is it." When he says goodbye, all she thinks is, "See you later, Chuck."

* * *

**Author's Note: **Alrighty, so...what'd you guys think? I haven't written any FanFiction since October, but this just came to me and I had to write it. It's short and kinda bleh, but I hoped you guys somewhat enjoyed it. (:

By the way, do you think Chuck'll tell Ellie he's going back because of their mother? I don't think he will _at first _(notice he didn't in here) but later. Or will he just do so secretly, without telling her at first? So many scenarios...too much time in between. -.-

- _Angie_


End file.
